my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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