This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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