It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
