That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
