i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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