Soap is not a condiment
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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