I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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