So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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