Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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