i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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