dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
