I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
