That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
