Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
