just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
