next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize