i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
