Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
