I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
