I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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