Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
