No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Boobs speak an international language.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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