I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He has the fingertips of a God
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize