i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize