Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
