Reggie can tackle my bush.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
