She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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