you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
