you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
