Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
