the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
