quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
