there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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