he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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