Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
