i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
