I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
