I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
