i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
