Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
