I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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