You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
