I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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