I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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