you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
