More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
