He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
