I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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