I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
