i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
