My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
