why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
