The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Say something about gay babies.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm sobbing to NWA
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
