rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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