Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
