I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Randomize
