I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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