I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
