Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
