well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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