my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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