mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
