Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
