just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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