Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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