The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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