I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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