I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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